When was the last time you had an orgasm? Too many people tell me they’ve lost interest in sex and pleasure, so I hope this piece encourages you to rediscover it. I recently had to explain sex to Philomena Cunk for her programme Cunk on Life — her reply was “I hope nothing like that ever happens to me.”
Orgasms really are good for our mental and physical health. They release feel-good hormones like oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, which help reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, boost our mood, and even help us sleep. Orgasms can strengthen the immune system, benefit heart health, and increase blood flow to the genitals, which brings its own health perks which I’ll come back to. And if you’re having orgasms with a partner, they deepen bonding and intimacy.
I spoke about orgasms at the Big Retreat Festival this year, where I gave a talk on why orgasms are so good for our health. We spent 90 minutes exploring the topic — with plenty of help from my brilliant audience. To start, I got everyone to share a big, squeezy hug — with themselves, a friend, or even a stranger — to get those happy hormones flowing. Try it now! Then we did some gentle stroking — our bodies are full of erogenous zones that come alive when we touch them, but we often do not pay them enough attention.
Let’s start with the basics – how was your sex education at school? You probably weren’t told about the health benefits of orgasms — or even taught basic anatomy. That’s why my first podcast series this year was Understanding Reproductive Anatomy, starting with the amazing Dr Aziza Sesay to discuss the vulva and vagina — words people still mix up, much to Aziza’s and my frustration. The vagina is just the tube that connects the vulva to the cervix. The vulva is all the exciting bits: the clitoris, the labia, and more. Many people don’t realise women have three main openings (Aziza would say even more!): the urethra for wee, the vagina for sex, periods, and babies, and the anus.
One example of this confusion happened on the Brazilian version of Big Brother. Contestants had to see who could hold out the longest without going to the toilet, and one woman suggested using a tampon to soak up her wee — which, of course, won’t work! Wrong hole.
And do you understand what the clitoris looks like? It amazes me that it was only in the early 2000s that Professor Helen O’Connell fully described the clitoris — revealing it’s not just the small visible bud at the top of the vulva, but a beautiful structure that extends through the labia, wraps around the vagina, and has over 8,000 nerve endings. I was so lucky to interview Helen on my podcast about her groundbreaking work.
And what about men? Do you really know how the penis, testicles, and prostate work? I interviewed the brilliant Dr Pippa Sangster on my podcast to explain it all. At the Big Retreat Festival, someone asked whether a prostate orgasm feels different from one that doesn’t involve it — and yes, it does. Prostate orgasms can be much more intense, but most heterosexual couples I’ve spoken to haven’t explored this kind of pleasure.
To make anatomy clearer, I use knitted and crocheted models in my talks — of the clitoris, vulva, penis and testicles (my model only has one!), plus the womb, fallopian tubes, ovaries, and sperm. At one event in Amsterdam’s Paradiso club last year, I threw the models out into the crowd — and the clitoris never came back. Everyone was looking for my clitoris!
Sex. Almost everyone does it — yet it’s still taboo. When I first began speaking publicly about orgasms, like Philomena, some friends told me not to bother with “all that.” But I’ve interviewed 51 women over 50 for my next book, and their insights about their sex lives were so fascinating that this was the first chapter I wrote. In italics below, I’m sharing some of their words with you.
Sex is really important for me, and I really hope that it continues for as long as possible. I don’t want to ever feel I’m not interested.
For me, heterosexual sex isn’t just about putting a penis in a vagina and ends when the man ejaculates — yet that’s still how it’s so often shown on TV and in porn. And I dislike the word “foreplay” — because it suggests it’s something we do before sex, when really, touching and playing with our genitals is essential and fun. We need to be kissing, stroking, hugging, exploring each other’s bodies — alone or with a partner — and, if we want, reaching orgasm.
Intimacy starts way before the bedroom. It starts with my husband just popping down a cup of tea without me even asking if I wanted one.
And for the vast majority of women — around 80% — we need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, so penis-in-vagina sex alone usually isn’t enough.
What about sex toys? It’s surprisingly hard to pin down exactly how many women own a vibrator, but estimates suggest it’s somewhere between 50% and 80%. I even discovered that my local Tesco sells vibrators — check your supermarket next time you’re there! You might use toys with your partner or alone – experiment and have fun.
Another big taboo is masturbation. Masturbation simply means touching or stimulating your own genitals to give yourself sexual pleasure and often to reach orgasm — and you can do it alone or with a partner.
Oh darling, I never stop wanking.
Apparently, about 90% of men and around 65% of women masturbate — and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. If you’ve ever had trouble reaching orgasm (which can happen more as we age), I always recommend trying to orgasm on your own. Some women can do this using just their hands — that’s often what we see in films or on TV. But I rarely manage it that way, so I use a vibrator or a massager on my vulva. It doesn’t matter how you do it — what matters is finding what brings you pleasure.
The only relationship I am having is with myself. It’s good. You know what you like, when you want it, and you don’t have to pretend.
As we get older, how often we want sex and how we go about it will likely change — our bodies change too. We might not always have the same urge or energy to spend lots of time on it, but we can still kiss, stroke, hug, and enjoy each other without needing to reach orgasm every time.
Kissing is deeply intimate
Clinical psychologist Karen Gurney calls this our “sexual currency” — non-genital touch and intimacy within a romantic relationship that keeps us feeling connected. Our bodies love to be touched — kissing, hugging, or caressing can release oxytocin, the bonding hormone. These simple moments can spark desire and help us stay in tune with our bodies sexually, even without intercourse, while still carrying erotic meaning.
I still love holding his hand
Other changes can happen as we age. For men, issues like erectile dysfunction or problems with ejaculation are common. Pippa explains that erectile dysfunction is often relatively easy to treat with various medications — but it’s important for men to see their doctor, as it can sometimes be an early sign of future heart disease. If you haven’t seen the film Man Up, which is about the first men to take Viagra, it really shows how devastating sexual dysfunction can feel. If you have any concerns, please talk to your doctor.
However, problems with reaching orgasm or difficulties with ejaculating — whether it’s happening too soon or not at all — can be trickier to treat. These challenges can also leave a partner feeling anxious, worrying they’re not turning their partner on, which adds stress. It’s important to know these things are not uncommon and seek help.
For women, hormonal changes during the perimenopause and post menopause can cause the vaginal and vulval tissues to become thinner, drier, more fragile, and itchy. It can also take longer to reach orgasm. Some women notice their clitoris and labia shrink, they may have less natural lubrication, and the vagina can become shorter and tighter — all of which can make sex painful or difficult.
But there are things that can help. Vaginal oestrogen, which is not considered HRT, can really benefit some women — one woman told me it “plumped up her vulva.” There are also many safe lubricants and genital creams you can use. Having orgasms is good for genital health — increased blood flow helps release natural secretions, which keeps tissues healthier, and penetration helps the vagina stay open and comfortable.
My experience post menopause has been amazing because I feel self-accepting of my body. There is a sense of wholeness that this is mine and I may invite you to share this with me.
One bonus of being post-menopausal is there’s no need for contraception!
What I really recommend for a healthy sex life is simple: talk. At the Big Retreat Festival, I asked the audience if they’d ever faked an orgasm — far too many hands went up. If you’re having sex with a partner, it should be enjoyable for both of you and you need to tell each other what you like. Even if you’ve been together for decades, your needs and desires might have changed — so talk about it.
And remember, long-term relationships can need a little spark now and then. Karen Gurney has a great analogy: imagine always going to your favourite restaurant and ordering the same dish. Sometimes, you need to try something different from the menu.
Another film I recommend is Good Luck to You, Leo Grande, where Emma Thompson brilliantly plays a 62-year-old woman who has never had an orgasm. Emma reminds us that sex is good for us at any age — and I talked about this in The Times this week. You can read the piece here: link.
So yes — orgasms are good for our health. Sex is wonderful, and it doesn’t have to stop as we get older. Enjoy it, talk about it, masturbate, orgasm — and keep discovering what works for you. on my podcast – Why didn’t anyone tell me this? On all podcast channels and via my web site.
